


STILL NIGHT, SILENT HEART

by TheBroken



Category: citrus - サブロウタ | citrus - Saburouta
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, Confessions, Conflict Resolution, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Feels, Love, Romance, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28225776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBroken/pseuds/TheBroken
Summary: Patiently waiting for Yuzu to return from her Christmas shopping trip... Mei is at home.Contemplating her profound feelings for her Emerald- eyed lady love...and a very special present!And why three simple words- "I love you" can speak volumes,..and can be so difficult to say.
Relationships: Aihara Mei/Aihara Yuzu
Kudos: 26





	STILL NIGHT, SILENT HEART

**Author's Note:**

> Mei tries to find a way to confront her emotional communication problems on a Christmas Holiday evening.  
> Merry Christmas, my dear readers! I love you all and have a wonderful holiday season!

She said she'd probably be back before I got here!

But, at least you're here, as always, good old faithful Kumagoro!

Ah, my Yuzu, the best-laid plans of etcetera, etcetera. You're _not here,_ and I wanted...

... Let's just say a _nice kiss,_ at the very least!

Off go the shoes. I can't wait to remove this school uniform. Another day where I've come home late from working at school. Soon... that will be but a memory.

It's kind of bittersweet, though- we're all graduating in March. And I won't be class president... I'll just be another student attending university, albeit one with the highest points in my rather exclusive academy.

I'll have nothing to hide behind anymore...I'll have to run for the president of the student union, or some such thing...No. Perhaps not.

Maybe I can just be anonymous. for once in my damn life! I'm so sick of being on view... so sick of people being in my face. That's not how I was fashioned!

It's Christmas tomorrow, and I want this Christmas to be special for us, with all my heart.

Special in all the right ways, that my first Christmas with my Yuzu wa _s not!  
_

_The less said of **that** night, the better._

I'm not going into the bath. I'm _having_ a bath of course...

And that's going to be later, and I'm taking it with Yuzu. That's our preferred mode, these days, and I couldn't be happier. We can relax, rub each others' shoulders, enjoy each others'...

_Company._

There's my favorite silly oversize sleeper shirt! I'll keep my underwear on, I guess. I usually do. I know someone who enjoys taking it off, anyway. It's harmless enough.

Actually, it's usually quite exciting, if I must make a clean breast of it.

We _all_ have our simple pleasures, you know!

She's fixing dinner when she comes in, and I will not touch the cold noodles in the refrigerator. She's going to be showing off her cooking skills, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to help. She's vowed that she will make a cook out of me yet, and I am making progress.

Mama Ume will not be in until late, and Papa isn't even in the country- Not a big surprise! He's usually gone when we'd really love him here, holidays, birthdays... but it does mean that Yuzu and I will have the evening to ourselves, and I'm excited because I can't get enough of her sometimes... that's supposed to be a secret! 

I've been thinking about those full, pink, enticing lips all day!

Sometimes, I swear I have to put in my whole effort when we're in the same room, wherever that room may be, to stop myself from covering them with crazed kisses!

And someday, I surely will, and it will all be over for our reputations, such as they are. And why do I imagine with such conviction that somehow we'll probably both be happier than we've ever been?

I've never told her these things in words. Words often evade me; the _right words,_ the words a person in love should use. I'm so awkward in my affections, so clumsy in my love. So...so...

... Wrapped up in you, Yuzu, that I can't think straight.

Because I can't bear the thought of a world where I don't hold you!

I try to be so cool, so commanding, the whole tough chairwoman routine.

 _And I am that-_ anyone seeing me on the lectern can see my forcefulness.

Until I see that familiar blonde head in that sea of dark hair that is the school auditorium, the Emerald-eyed beauty bursts from the crests of their waves, she beckons only with her smile, a slight motion of a graceful hand.

My legs threaten to go out from under me.

I'm entranced. I'm enchanted. I'm... hers.

Forever.

Yuzu. My Yuzu.

Forever.

Sometimes I scribble my thoughts down in my journal, which I have kept since I was a child. The words do not fail me there. They come to life in their secret world of black and white. If anyone ever sees it, perhaps long after I'm gone, they will easily see the point where it became the diary of a madwoman:

"Today,' it says on that fateful page, 'I finally realized what love really is, because I'm feeling it, and it's driving me mad, it's taking my mind over!"

"Because I've fallen completely in love....with my stepsister Yuzu, and she with me- and I'm following her into insanity! And surely, into mutually- assured destruction!"

_Aihara Mei... you madwoman!_

Take me to your kingdom, My green-eyed Angel!

Unfold those wings I know you've magically hidden from my eyes, take me in those warm arms, and fly with me beyond the setting sun, and rising moon!

Draw the curtain of a velvet blue night over our grateful love, and pin it together with the brightest star in heaven to illuminate our most tempting, our most secret desires!

Take me away, and I'll go where you lead my heart, because I have wrapped it in silk, I have bound it with a golden cord, I have laid it at your gorgeous feet and you may have it, and all that is me with it!

There is a temple to _you_ that I have built, in my fondest hopes and deepest dreams 

In my silent heart...

That deafens me this night, once again.

Deafens me with its _SHOUTING!_

And I would that _you_ visit your devoted _priestess._

I would that I speak the oracle you send to my lips, that you have gifted with your kisses, more holy than a roomful of prayers!

_Where in the dark, hushed early morning hours, I have covertly knelt at the alter of your innocent and captivating body._

For I have worshipped the sadness and joys of your sleeping eyes, in the quietude of the envelope of darkness, and exalted them with a reverential kiss!

I have watched your tender face at midnight and longed to join in your slumber and imaginings.

Brushing my lips against the summer garden spray of golden hair, consecrating them in your name...

as you lie sleeping,

as you lie dreaming,

And my silent heart whispers, speaks, _shouts_ in my ears, "Mad, Mad girl!.."

I have wept with joy, my tears falling gently, that you would call me yours, and turned my face away fearing their rain waken you to my secret you must not know.

My silent heart.

My stumbling words.

My aching And mute lips, that would tell you these things, locked inside of me, behind the door of my so different mind. Behind all the puzzle pieces that this world is to me, and that I am both to it, and sometimes, those I love!

_And often, to myself._

Oh my Yuzu, if I can't learn to speak, will my touch convey the braille of my longing?

I wrap my arms around you, suddenly from behind... _I need you, Yuzu, I'm secretly afraid, and I need to demonstrate that you're mine, and you are real! I'm so afraid I'll awaken, and you'll be_ gone...! _  
_

I cup your blushing face in my hands, minutely admiring its radiant beauty... _I LOVE YOU!_

I cuddle my body into your arms at night, in our bed that shares our most intimate selves _... I am safe. I am loved. I am yours!_

I entwine our fingers, and I lean in for a kiss... _Here is my love, my beating, wounded heart... it is in your care forever. I entrust you with its very life!  
_

Oh, my Angel!

Please understand me!

Please accept me!

Please Hear my still voice within that roars like a cascade rushing through the great and frightening chasm that is my overwhelming emotion!

I don't know why I had to be made this way. But I am... different. And I have been called many things, for good, or ill, on this accounting.

You, my Yuzu, only call me, _yours._

_I would dwell in the shadow of your love forever!_

_I would die in your forgiving arms!  
_

_Hear my silent heart!_

_Its fearful voice!_

_Yuzu._

_My Yuzu._

_Forever._

_A key crunches crisply in the lock of our apartment door, and there is..._

_... a trace of December air, its presence fleeting, that follows my Angel in. It tastes of a chill early evening dressed with citrus and tossed with something so warm..._

_"Mei!.. I'm home!"_

_She removes her shoes, ignoring her slippers, and comes into the living room carrying bags full of food, gifts, and much else from her shopping trip. I note with approval that she's wearing a scarf that is the mate to one I own, my favorite!_

She sets the bags down as I rise from the couch. Although I know what is about to happen, it's always so new, so fresh every time...

She throws her arms around me, and the ghost of the person I was three years ago watches in amazement as I reciprocate with abandon! We break only long enough to put our lips together...

And my enjoyment of this moment is my hard-won, battle-scarred, badge of honor, possessed by a broken heart that learned to love, and give itself away innocently, and freely...

_That learned to adore its healer!_

And I bask, I luxuriate, I rub my face against her pink flushed skin, still cool from the winter air. I am her catgirl, she has called me, after all! Still tasting the tangy tinge of cold that is melting under our mutual heat, I want to drown myself in her scent, her tenderness, and love!

I withdraw to arm's length, my hands upon the perfect shoulders.

She looks at me in wonder.

I look at her in the still worship of my silent heart...

But this night, I am determined, I am willing it so with all that I am...

_I will not stay mute!_

I begin to clear my mind of the mountains of clutter.

I begin to slow the whirring of the wheels, the roaring of the engines, the rows of files, of books, of information that I don't need at this instant. 

_My white, bloodless martyrdom of the countless pages._

All I need now... Is to use those resources, to call on their power to say what my silent heart is longing to say this, still night.

And it's so hard. More overcoming than anyone else could imagine.

I could probably recite one of those books verbatim without thinking, but to transform this terrible and ecstatic, frightening and beautiful storm of emotions that is overwhelming me into a few words...

But watch me do just that, my Yuzu!

Watch me give you your _real_ Christmas present! 

Oh, how we've both waited!

 _"Mei..?"_ She whispers.

She senses the agony.

She realizes the struggle.

She observes, but does not interfere.

_Oh, God, I'm going to shake myself to pieces! Keep it together Mei!_

_" I've been waiting a while for you, Yuzu."_ I say, my voice a deep breathy whisper from the bottom of my chest, stalling another moment, and to start myself speaking.

She looks at me shyly. _"I'm sorry... The train..."_

I pull her gently in for another kiss. Her lips, her warm, soft lips...I tenderly break the kiss. I know exactly what is in my heart- and it must be released before it crushes me!

_" Yuzu... it was only a little while. That's nothing compared to the long wait. "_

She's perplexed. _"W-what long wait, Mei?"_

The words flow, grateful to be freed from their prison within my heart. 

**_" My whole life before I met you, and we fell in love, my Angel!"_ **

I say, my lips beginning to tremble. She gives me her most Heavenly, sweet smile, and my heart opens a door that had been shut so long before.

My hands hold that heart-breaking face, and this time, it's not only my gesture conveying my meaning, but my lips will begin my confession by whispering these three glorious words to the most wonderful girl on earth! Oh, I've mumbled, I've muddled, I've _recited_ these three words occasionally before in recent months... but I'm going to speak them with the secret voice of my heart- _NOW!_

_She looks at me, wondering what is happening... I'm about to fly into a thousand pieces! Say it! Say it! Or I'll burst! I'm about to..._

_My eyes clench like my fists from the awful pain in my quaking chest!_

_Oh, God! Am I going to have a heart attack?_

_THE VOICE OF MY HEART SPEAKS!.._

_"Yuzu...I love you! I love you!.. **I LOVE YOU!...** " _

And I keep saying those three words until I've thrown myself against my lover and buried my face against hers and I let my tears be wrenched out of my heart, which is pounding along with hers until it actually hurts.

Until I fear it will leap out of my bosom.

And if I die at this moment..?

 _"Mei!.."_ She whispers, her own tears falling against my face, from those precious gem-like eyes.

 _"I love you!.. My Yuzu!... I love you!.. I love you!.."_ I can't stop. I just can't tell her enough! I can't tell this whole world enough!

I finally draw in a choking breath, only to confess my hidden truth, which surges out in a sudden torrent:

_**"This has been bound in chains in its prison within me for years!"** _

_Oh, God! I'm actually telling her this! **  
**_

_**"IVE WAITED MY ENTIRE LIFE TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO WOULD LOVE ME THAT I COULD SAY THIS TO!**_

_Is that... Is **that** my voice? That chasmic, anguished sound?_

" _Oh,... Mei!.."_ She can part with no more than that. Yuzu's natural powerful empathy has quickly begun pulling her into my heart, where I long ago warned, on another Christmas night, both things that would delight her, and things that would terrify her await! Only the magic of her reverent touch is holding my body together, I know!

_" **All of it**... **everything** my wretched life has been- has been worth it... to finally have the **bliss** of **you** to love, and to love me in return!" My hoarse, deep whispers rasp in the still room. "All those times, thru those dark days where you refused to let me push you from my life when I was cold and wicked to you, sarcastic, cruel...I was trembling in fear inside, Yuzu! Before you came to rescue my lost soul, I was a small weak child in an awful, empty world where I was property,- aching, defeated, and afraid...afraid...'  
_

_"Of something that you brought into my world and my life which I knew was bigger than me, larger by far than either one of us! Something so powerful, I knew that if it captured me, I could never control it, never be in command of the force of it, that I would blindly run into its fire and be consumed to ashes!"_

_"And I **did!** "_

_"And I **was! "**_

_"And only then, I gave myself over to you because there was no going back. The person I had been was changed. I had, over my years of pain, to come to befriend my hurt, my loneliness, my despair... because I knew nothing else...but now, I could believe in a world where I was happy, and I could discover everything that meant! Because you had found worth in me I never could have seen, and had the patience, forgiveness, and selfless love to heal the broken soul I was. "_

_"That which destroyed my resistance, that which healed me, that saved me, that, thru which I continue to be reborn, day by day, and kiss by kiss... was **your love** **Yuzu,** and the love I gave so timidly at first, in return...' _

_"It was the love between we two, that we now hold together, as a sacred bond forever."_

_"And... how I adore you for the beauty, the kindness, the wonder that is you, for everything you've shown me, given to me, and brought out in me!"_

_"How blessed I am...that I have gone from emptiness, to being the one you chose to give your heart to... **"** _

_"Thank you for not accepting, "NO!", two years ago. Thank you for saving my life, because that's **exactly** what you've done. "_

_"Thank you for the person you are; strong, love, forgiving, generous, selfless, and wise... All these things and more that it graciously has been gifted to me to worship in you every day!"_

_"Thank you for your love, now more precious to me than my own existence! And all the love my heart possesses, I gladly lay at your feet. It is my gift to you, with one other I will give..."_

I am nearly finished. I feel as though I had shed my own blood. Were it not for the strong arms of my Yuzu, I wouldn't be able to stand. I'm very nearly _exhausted!  
_

_"I give you my essence, as I draw your essence into me, like the first ragged breath I took on this earth, that first brought life into my body."  
_

_"That life is **yours,** now."_

_I so tenderly tilt her chin up and kiss those beloved, hallowed lips, and, I may be fanciful, but I feel something ineffable pass between us._

After a long moment, I can finally look into her eyes. She's overcome by emotion, just as I am, she's permeated with the _spirit_ of love.

_And this time, for once... it's my Yuzu who can't speak! But her eyes say a million precious things, her smile would melt a heart of steel!  
_

I feel we are in the ** _presence_** of a rapturous and all-inclusive love, seemingly, sublimely, radiating reverently from the two of us. 

_In communion._

With each other.

_And something undefinable._

_Freely given._

And I speak just as freely, the voice of my silent heart unbound, though hoarse with joyful tears!..

_"I love you, my Angel!..."_

_"Merry Christmas, Yuzu!"_


End file.
